I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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