maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
