my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
