fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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