just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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