We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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