Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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