I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My balls are so social today.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
