I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
