just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
