Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
