and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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