At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
