I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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