I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
