She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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