Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
