9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
