So drunk its hurt
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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