I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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