Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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