he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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