we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
