You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
