You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
