Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have tasted many bathrooms
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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