I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
