My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
