did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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