I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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