someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
