at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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