I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Randomize
