i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
