plz talk dirty to me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
