Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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