I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
