You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
