sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She bit a glass in half.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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