Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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