hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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