I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
