my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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