....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
