i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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