it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
