sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
