...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
