I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
