Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
